Taking the blow

It's funny how a long retentive, blossomed and full fledged friendship ceases so effortlessly.

Can you ever expect to have given your precious time, smiles, fights, tears to someone who would walk out of your life not because something happened between you two but because he is constantly baited by people , who happened to be your friends too, regarding the company he keeps. People come and they go but is it easy to accept someone's departure for the same blame for which that person stood by you many a times ..?

He was constanly warned and adviced to stay away from you. But he decided to stay bcause he saw the real "you". Out of all, he knew that you are different but not worth being hated. He took your side everytime a finger was raised on you. Since it's been many a times that he has stood up, you overlooked those few times when he kept mum while others sprouted the words of hatred. It went too well and maybe this is where the problem began. Maybe it went just too well, more than it should have been. Because the day finally came when that person decided to tell you that he no longer need you in life and that was because he was supposed to choose between you and his partner. And it's obvious who his choice would be. Somehow it did not hurt you much because you knew deep down in your heart that this day would come. You know you don't deserve to be loved and whosoever for once loves you will ultimately abandon you happily - because it has happened SEVERAL times. And o'course in your utter foolishness you forgot about this and the question which you always overlooked, now flashes back.

"So there's definitely something wrong with me that EVERYONE hates me. What is the reason..?"

You were a protagnist for being hated, even among friends, esp by friends. This question was pondered upon innumerable times but his presence always made you overlook it because you knew that if out of these many, he stood for you, there has to be something, if not everything, right in what you had done.

But now that your support is lost, for the same reason, wouldn't it be wiser to accept the fact that you are meant to be hated..? Rather than trying to find reasons to prove something opposite to the existing truth, it's smarter to accept and learn to live with it.

It's been high time now. You have had many punches right in face, but your huge self esteem overleaped your vision to see what they really were for. They were not to tell you that those people are not good enough to love you but to tell you that its YOU who doesnt deserve to be loved. And since you figure it now, wouldn't it be nice if you start mending your ways from this very moment..?

You will continue to get comments that this is not true, you are an amazing person and only to be loved and whosoever hates you, is a jerk. But remember, the person who just walked out on you said the same things once.

You figured so many things and now you are smart enough to know what is there for you to learn from this punch.

Hope you learn to accept the truth and find peace in it.

God Bless

Effort In Vain

An Epic

I am reading Fountainhead by Ayn Rand currently. It's salient. I mean the way it unfolds the thought behind every action and perception, it amuses me. The best line, "A man's ego is the fountainhead of human progress". But anyhow, am not writing this blog to talk about the book.

The thing that fascinated me the most is..umm I don't know really. It's kind of weird. I have so many feelings at the an instant. Life makes one laugh and cry over it at the same time. Some instances make me want to cry like a baby but then they even make me feel like laugh on it - the whole situation, myself, my fate. And all the pain and rejection makes me smile. Involuntary, I smile in contempt, not realising I'm smiling at my own agony. And this is how life unfolds.

I have always been a person of wisdom - in theories- because I believe no human can be wise enough. Atleast not to lead his life in happiness. Though struggle, I believe, is also necessary to define life. But struggle against the compulsion of a single desire is also a compulsion. We desire. And that's the biggest mistake we commit. Kill desires and you'd kill sorrow. Desire is a burden we could well do without. But since that can't be happening, it's wiser to accept the pain and gradually learn to deal with it and best to find satisfaction in it.Its good to suffer. We should be grateful that God has made us suffer. Everything bad comes from the mind because mind asks too many questions. The questions that only question our belief in Him and us and people around who's presence affect us. And that is the worst thing to admit. To admit that someone's presence do affect us - not to minimul level but to the extent where we let our minds upset over the fact that the person we give priviledge to affect us to this extent is unaware and the worst would happen if he acknowledges it. But we humans are emotional fools, we do exactly what leads us to the path of self destruction - some choose a way by blending with mast and changing their way of existence though some choose to acquire repulsive behavior and end up being unhappy and crushed. Well, technically both live unhappily but there is some level of satisfaction when we pick the former path. I choose the latter.

I, unintentionally, have always been repulsive, especially to thoughts that seem useless to me - more precisely the thoughts that appeals me, because they are one's that would actually make me weak. I don't tend to let ideas seep into my brain until I find them reasonable. I am mostly cold and inhuman. Not in literal sense, but that is how I am. And that's only the way I know myself. Am hell of a listener. And that is exactly the way I choose to destruct myself. I have always felt that people around, who choose to confide in me, do so because they want pair of ears lended to them. I do agree that I have tried to make the conversation two way but everytime I tried, I felt my words vanish in thin air. And that made me even more repulsive to the idea that I should open up with people. I do try a lot to blend in, but it's just useless. Useless to the core. I waste my time, mind and energy trying to be like others. Trying to behave in as humanly manner as possible. It just doesn't help. And now, I have stopped bothering. Only self realization helped. Only if I wouldn't have decided to accept it and the way I am, I don't think I would have been lively as I am today. It feels very very awkward to even let these sort of thoughts get into mind, because I am too young to even consider what all kind of people are there out in the world.

But as I state, books and paper are my best buddies. Reading I feel makes me wise and writing makes me channel my thoughts into a concrete form. I love to type up. And my good speed helps because then I type whatsoever comes to mind and later when I read that, I feel funny. It seems idiotic to have these thoughts at this age. But alas, I wish I could do anything about the way I fell or think.

Effort goes in vain.

RaNdoM .. O.o

hmm...

Well........... mmmm ..................

You know.... ?? !! I don't =/ ...

Oh wait..maybe I do ...

Buh am not sure thou .... (-.-)

What the fuck is wrong with meh ...? O.o am so bloody insanely blank :|

Jeez ...

My head hurts ... it's suddenly so heavy ...and painful ...and idk ..!!

this boredom is sooooo random :0

Wtf .. what's so wrong ...??

whoa .. something is so out of the way not right .. I ain't usually this boring ..

or bored ..

Grrr I don't know ... Why the fuck am I even writing this crap ..?

God knows.. Arghhhhh

Screw, I am so blown up .. I probably need a therapy or maybe some counselling ..

maybe that would help .. hmm ..just maybe ..

Though it's kinda unbelievable .. no counselling can get me right ..

I am so ruined and ..eRr I dunno .. not even in mood to think of adjectives ..!!

Am I in any sort of mood ..? :-?

I dunno .. I guess am not

*sigh*

Hopes

Here am back hoping to come out with something productive. Ok, the reason why I highlighted the word "hoping" is kinda ironically done. I was watching Grey's Anatomy and it got me wondering.

Wondering how we humans are treated like some big fucking rascals by life. We laugh when we are happy and course we cry when upset. As I believe, happiness is something that doesn't stay for long.

"Noone dies virgin. Life fucks everyone."

The moment our hopes are high, Bam..!! Life has this beautiful way of punching right in our eye and shouting at us, "Darn ..!! You don't have the right to be happy for this long."

I fail to understand why does this happen only when our hopes are high. If we stop hoping, things fall into place but that won't be situation to live in. Its often said, "Do good to others but don't expect anything in return." Who the bloody hell had this much in him to be God and say this crap..? I mean, jeez, if we do something good for others, if we take all shit on us just to make people we love happy, why can't we expect them to understand how we feel being pushed away..? Is it only them who's in trouble..? Are they the only ones who are bearing the heaviest problems of the world..? Oh, this is bullshit. I really don't understand how can anyone be such a saint.

This is so awful. Make others happy, sacrifice for them but hey, do kill your hopes to be treated anywhere near to human.

Guyz who want girls to be pure, have a flawless past.. jeez dude, get a life. You no God Rama to deserve Sita. Everyone makes mistakes. But you guyz are so fucking proud over nothing. What in the world makes you think you can get any girl huh..? You think girls run behind money..? Well if you do, great, go ahead and marry a girl who can be your slave just because you got money. Why in the bloody world you play with innocent girl's heart huh..?

As for guys who get treated this way, mayne...

People in love, WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT ..? Why do you guys let love blind you..? Why do you let love take over your mind and self respect..? Why do you have to be this weak to let your heart being ripped apart by some a*s hole ..? I hate people who keep consoling themselves and hoping things to be right at some point of time and being treated worthwhile.

Be it life or the person you love (rather the idiot who doesn't treat you well), none has any right to give this nuisance to you. Why can't you people stand up for yourselves ..? If they (love and life) hit you hard, hit them back with even more power and tell them who's stronger.

I have learnt, there's nothing wrong in hoping. Nothing wrong in hoping from ourselves. Hoping to fight through, hoping to come out of bad times as a stronger person.

It's not easy. I know. So, I have been trying and am getting better. Hope this helps you too.

Thats just me

P.S. Always remember, people never change. They might change their habits or external traits, but within they NEVER change. Experience has taught me that.

.Cheers.

A confused query

Hmm..just another random timepass.

Actually I have been wondering what's it like for people who are famous..? Particularly, the football players. They are all realli famous, lead a luxurious life. All they need is to play awesome and win and then party all night. If in case they lose, they just mourne over it and move on. They have to prove something to the world. But ultimately, all they have is their football.

What about their personal lives huh..? Do they forget their friends and close ones in all the glamour..? Do they remember them..? What about people who are close to them but not in real sense. I don't think I am making a point here. It's quite complicated to explain. It would have been clear if I could have spilled out the whole deal. But unfortunately, that's exactly what i can't do.

Anyhow, what I am trying to think is, do popular guys remember their friends from past..? Hmm..how is it for those who have experienced being pushed away by such people..? Is it worth sticking up for them, accepting the humiliation and ignorance just because we love thema nd know the times can be rough for them..? I really really can't see if am being clear on any part. I am confused myself. Like I said, only if I could spill out whole of the truth.

Well, simply, a good luck wish to people who have been pushed away and who might face same situation.

God Bless All ..

Peace \/

Extravagance

So, I am here. After a long time. Phew. Well, in past few months, life has been great. Simple, sorted, painless. But alongside, it's unlike the fun things like fights, tantrums, drama, adventure, arguments gave.

Once you have a life that provides you with all this sort of fun, it feels boring to be deprived of it. But it's confusing. As much as I love having a sorted life, with no quarrels and no distraction, its getting pretty boring too. I kinda miss having the fun in old days. Life now revolves around books. And to my surprise, when I say such thing, I feel as if am lying to myself. As much as the fact is held that I don't spend as much time with anything else than books, it's also true that required amount of studies aren't being performed or maybe it's my dissatisfaction. Weird it is.

I was told by someone, the time when I'd start feeling that my life is becoming hell and it's approaching the black hole, that would be the best time as that would be the time when I'll stress myself to core to achieve my dreams. It does sound devastating. But it's kind of interesting theory.

I do realise that at this point of time, I am not exactly hating my life, but I am kinda bored. And because of this, I do feel as if am apporaching my aims with a better pace than past.

Jeez, it's 12:20 am. I have my school tomorrow. I'd rather go and sleep now.

Peace \/