Effort In Vain

An Epic

I am reading Fountainhead by Ayn Rand currently. It's salient. I mean the way it unfolds the thought behind every action and perception, it amuses me. The best line, "A man's ego is the fountainhead of human progress". But anyhow, am not writing this blog to talk about the book.

The thing that fascinated me the most is..umm I don't know really. It's kind of weird. I have so many feelings at the an instant. Life makes one laugh and cry over it at the same time. Some instances make me want to cry like a baby but then they even make me feel like laugh on it - the whole situation, myself, my fate. And all the pain and rejection makes me smile. Involuntary, I smile in contempt, not realising I'm smiling at my own agony. And this is how life unfolds.

I have always been a person of wisdom - in theories- because I believe no human can be wise enough. Atleast not to lead his life in happiness. Though struggle, I believe, is also necessary to define life. But struggle against the compulsion of a single desire is also a compulsion. We desire. And that's the biggest mistake we commit. Kill desires and you'd kill sorrow. Desire is a burden we could well do without. But since that can't be happening, it's wiser to accept the pain and gradually learn to deal with it and best to find satisfaction in it.Its good to suffer. We should be grateful that God has made us suffer. Everything bad comes from the mind because mind asks too many questions. The questions that only question our belief in Him and us and people around who's presence affect us. And that is the worst thing to admit. To admit that someone's presence do affect us - not to minimul level but to the extent where we let our minds upset over the fact that the person we give priviledge to affect us to this extent is unaware and the worst would happen if he acknowledges it. But we humans are emotional fools, we do exactly what leads us to the path of self destruction - some choose a way by blending with mast and changing their way of existence though some choose to acquire repulsive behavior and end up being unhappy and crushed. Well, technically both live unhappily but there is some level of satisfaction when we pick the former path. I choose the latter.

I, unintentionally, have always been repulsive, especially to thoughts that seem useless to me - more precisely the thoughts that appeals me, because they are one's that would actually make me weak. I don't tend to let ideas seep into my brain until I find them reasonable. I am mostly cold and inhuman. Not in literal sense, but that is how I am. And that's only the way I know myself. Am hell of a listener. And that is exactly the way I choose to destruct myself. I have always felt that people around, who choose to confide in me, do so because they want pair of ears lended to them. I do agree that I have tried to make the conversation two way but everytime I tried, I felt my words vanish in thin air. And that made me even more repulsive to the idea that I should open up with people. I do try a lot to blend in, but it's just useless. Useless to the core. I waste my time, mind and energy trying to be like others. Trying to behave in as humanly manner as possible. It just doesn't help. And now, I have stopped bothering. Only self realization helped. Only if I wouldn't have decided to accept it and the way I am, I don't think I would have been lively as I am today. It feels very very awkward to even let these sort of thoughts get into mind, because I am too young to even consider what all kind of people are there out in the world.

But as I state, books and paper are my best buddies. Reading I feel makes me wise and writing makes me channel my thoughts into a concrete form. I love to type up. And my good speed helps because then I type whatsoever comes to mind and later when I read that, I feel funny. It seems idiotic to have these thoughts at this age. But alas, I wish I could do anything about the way I fell or think.

Effort goes in vain.